The balding sausage

Coffee and caffeine shampoo are the same to Stroppy Sausage

Hair loss is something that men don’t like to talk about.

Strangely it’s up there on the ‘taboo conversations’ list with love songs, our feelings and problems with our danglers…

Thankfully, I have no ‘dangler problems’ to report, touch wood (pun intended).

As for hair loss, I wish I could say the same.
But I can’t.

At the risk of causing a collective cringe amongst men everywhere, I will be talking about it!

For my entire adult life I have had fairly long hair – I’m talking shoulder length at its longest. Basically, I’ve had a mop on my head for the past seven years. But now I, like so many others, have been struck by the early signs of the curse of hereditary hair loss.

Hereditary; the term scientists invented to allow the blaming of our parents for pretty much everything that is wrong with us.

Personally I’m not sure which is worse – the fact that I’m losing my hair because of my dad, or the fact that I’m going to look like him once I have! That’s not a swipe at my dad, by the way – I’m just saying that I don’t think I’m ready to look like a 63-year-old just yet!

My hair is only thinning right now so I’m still a few years away from this being too much of an issue – but I know what’s coming and I don’t like it.

It’s not even like I’m one of those guys who looks good with no hair. You just can’t pull it off when your face is as long, and your head is as bumpy, as mine (yet another thing that father has to answer for).

Now I’m at the stage where I mourn the loss of every single hair that falls out when I’m in the shower.

I’m staring at other men’s foreheads as they walk past just to compare our receding hairlines. If mine is worse, that man goes on the list (of people whose heads are getting shaved while they sleep).

Quite clearly hair loss isn’t my only problem; I’m obviously losing my marbles because of this.

So what can I do? Moan? Obviously.

But wait, there are other answers?

Many look to tackle hair loss by rubbing things into their head.

Regaine foam and Alpecin shampoo are two of the most popular choices and both claim to have success in the fight against hair loss.

Apparently ‘It has been proven that the activating caffeine ingredient in Alpecin shampoo can increase hair growth by slowing down the effects of hereditary hair loss.’

Right, OK. That’s what the bottle says. But, based on my continued use of this product, I believe I would have seen similar results from rubbing the leftovers of my morning coffee directly onto my head. My head would still receive caffeine, but I wouldn’t have to pay an extra £4.95 for the privilege (and my hair still wouldn’t be any thicker).

Granted, some people may be willing to pay £4.95 every few months in order to not smell like coffee. But I am not. Plus I like the smell of coffee. 1-0 to coffee.

Oh and you can’t drink shampoo. 2-0 to coffee.

Another option against hair loss is to have a hair transplant; a procedure that involves a lot of pain and a lot of money.

For anyone who doesn’t know, the procedure involves hair being taken from one side of the head and stuck into the other side (not the most eloquent way of putting it, I know).

Manchester United footballer Wayne Rooney recently had this done, reportedly spending over £32,000 in the process. That’s around the same as 6,500 bottles of Alpecin – or 16,000 cups of coffee.

3-0 to coffee.

On the off-chance that I did have £32,000 down the back of my settee (which I don’t) I’m pretty sure I still wouldn’t have a hair transplant – mainly because my pain threshold is just too low. Growing hair shouldn’t hurt, it hasn’t hurt for 23 years and I’m not about to let it!

By the way, if you think this procedure doesn’t sound painful, take a look at this video of Wayne Rooney during his hair transplant…

Luckily for Wayne Rooney, he hasn’t quite made it onto ‘the list’. Maybe after another £32,000.

As I wind my strop down, I’ll say it through gritted teeth; it seems there is literally no way of preventing hair loss without going to almost unreachable extremes.

Does anyone want their hair to fall out? No.

Should we accept that one way or another it’s going to happen? Probably.

Should people, with better hair than me, still be sleeping with one eye open?