Congratulations.

If you’re reading this you’re still alive.

The way people spout on about Friday 13th being unlucky, I imagine some of you were half expecting to be pushing up the daisies by now – or at least be sporting the odd horrific injury.

But you’re not.

Shocking, I know.

Maybe the universe is on your side and, this time, you’ve escaped the curse of Friday 13th and all the bad luck that comes with it (but beware, Friday 13th will come back for you some day)…

OR

Maybe it’s all just a bunch of bananas…

I like bananas.

I don’t like anything that makes me feel the need to refer to bananas in a way which could upset said bananas, banana fanatics, or general supporters of bananas.

Therefore, I do not like Friday 13th.

Sometimes the world needs a kick up its proverbial backside, honestly.

Do we really believe that Friday 13th is unlucky? Really?

OK, granted, bad things happen on Friday 13th – and when they do they’re blown out of proportion… for no reason other than the fact that it’s Friday 13th.

But wait, let me just check my calendar…

Well bend me over and call me Julian;

It turns out there are actually 365 days in a year (365.242199 days if you want to be anal about it). And guess what!? Bad things happen on every single one of them.

Every day is an unlucky day, believe me.

Example:

Let me tell you about one of the ‘wheels’ on my bed.

I hate this ‘wheel’.

It’s attached to the edge of my bed, just out of plain sight – but close enough to be able to kick it with my pinky-toe.
So what do I do almost every single morning?

I kick it with my sodding pinky-toe, obviously.

Forget childbirth and getting kicked in the Netherlands, there is no pain greater than that of a stumped pinky-toe. Those first seconds, you know what I’m talking about, when your pinky-toe informs your brain that you’ve just stumped it.

Goodness gracious.

Such pain should be saved for your death-bed, or never.

I wouldn’t mind so much, but this ‘wheel’ doesn’t even do anything. It doesn’t hold the bed up and it sure as hell doesn’t roll, which is pretty much the only thing you would expect of a wheel.

That’s like a singer without a voice…

Or a supermodel – with no head.

Anyway, this year Friday 13th graces our calendar three times – today, April and July – and I’m pretty much positive that, on at least one of those days, I will stump my toe.

In fact, I’m sure there will be thousands of stumped toes all over the world, just like there will be tomorrow and the day after that.

Anyone stumping their toes today, and blaming it on Friday 13th, needs to stop and have a little think.

Is it Friday 13th’s fault that you have no control over where you’re flopping your big boat feet?

No.

Spanish-speaking countries, and Greece, actually think TUESDAY 13th is unlucky;

Some cultures believe that every single Friday is unlucky;

Some cultures eat the inside of a sheep’s head.

OK, that last one was off-track slightly (although I would consider myself unlucky to get sheep head for dinner but whatever). My point is that if you looked into it, you could probably find a reason why every single day of the year is unlucky (you could probably find some other interesting dinner choices, too – it doesn’t end with sheep brain).

Actually, I’m throwing Tuesday 3rd into the hat for being unlucky.

For it was Tuesday 3rd January 2012 when ‘Franco’, a friendly but seemingly clueless ‘delivery driver’, ‘delivered’ my new iPhone.

Of course, where he delivered it to remains a mystery.

But it takes someone with a borderline spectacular level of incompetence to take a parcel to the wrong address, THEN allow someone with the WRONG SURNAME to sign for it, THEN forget where they had actually delivered it to.

Either way, some stranger with the surname of ‘Buckley’ managed to sign for a phone intended for ‘Harris’ and then had the nerve to try to activate it using my contract!?

Cheeky monkey.

So, as with all superstitions, I’m not buying into this Friday 13th malarkey.

The person who has my phone should, though.

They’re on ‘THE LIST’.

NOTE: It has been brought to my attention that The Stroppy Sausage has published some material that may be deemed offensive (to bananas). At no time does The Stroppy Sausage intend to offend (bananas). The Stroppy Sausage condemns such behaviour (towards bananas). The Stroppy Sausage would like to whole-heartedly apologise for any offence caused (to bananas).