The balding sausage

Coffee and caffeine shampoo are the same to Stroppy Sausage

Hair loss is something that men don’t like to talk about.

Strangely it’s up there on the ‘taboo conversations’ list with love songs, our feelings and problems with our danglers…

Thankfully, I have no ‘dangler problems’ to report, touch wood (pun intended).

As for hair loss, I wish I could say the same.
But I can’t.

At the risk of causing a collective cringe amongst men everywhere, I will be talking about it!

For my entire adult life I have had fairly long hair – I’m talking shoulder length at its longest. Basically, I’ve had a mop on my head for the past seven years. But now I, like so many others, have been struck by the early signs of the curse of hereditary hair loss.

Hereditary; the term scientists invented to allow the blaming of our parents for pretty much everything that is wrong with us.

Personally I’m not sure which is worse – the fact that I’m losing my hair because of my dad, or the fact that I’m going to look like him once I have! That’s not a swipe at my dad, by the way – I’m just saying that I don’t think I’m ready to look like a 63-year-old just yet!

My hair is only thinning right now so I’m still a few years away from this being too much of an issue – but I know what’s coming and I don’t like it.

It’s not even like I’m one of those guys who looks good with no hair. You just can’t pull it off when your face is as long, and your head is as bumpy, as mine (yet another thing that father has to answer for).

Now I’m at the stage where I mourn the loss of every single hair that falls out when I’m in the shower.

I’m staring at other men’s foreheads as they walk past just to compare our receding hairlines. If mine is worse, that man goes on the list (of people whose heads are getting shaved while they sleep).

Quite clearly hair loss isn’t my only problem; I’m obviously losing my marbles because of this.

So what can I do? Moan? Obviously.

But wait, there are other answers?

Many look to tackle hair loss by rubbing things into their head.

Regaine foam and Alpecin shampoo are two of the most popular choices and both claim to have success in the fight against hair loss.

Apparently ‘It has been proven that the activating caffeine ingredient in Alpecin shampoo can increase hair growth by slowing down the effects of hereditary hair loss.’

Right, OK. That’s what the bottle says. But, based on my continued use of this product, I believe I would have seen similar results from rubbing the leftovers of my morning coffee directly onto my head. My head would still receive caffeine, but I wouldn’t have to pay an extra £4.95 for the privilege (and my hair still wouldn’t be any thicker).

Granted, some people may be willing to pay £4.95 every few months in order to not smell like coffee. But I am not. Plus I like the smell of coffee. 1-0 to coffee.

Oh and you can’t drink shampoo. 2-0 to coffee.

Another option against hair loss is to have a hair transplant; a procedure that involves a lot of pain and a lot of money.

For anyone who doesn’t know, the procedure involves hair being taken from one side of the head and stuck into the other side (not the most eloquent way of putting it, I know).

Manchester United footballer Wayne Rooney recently had this done, reportedly spending over £32,000 in the process. That’s around the same as 6,500 bottles of Alpecin – or 16,000 cups of coffee.

3-0 to coffee.

On the off-chance that I did have £32,000 down the back of my settee (which I don’t) I’m pretty sure I still wouldn’t have a hair transplant – mainly because my pain threshold is just too low. Growing hair shouldn’t hurt, it hasn’t hurt for 23 years and I’m not about to let it!

By the way, if you think this procedure doesn’t sound painful, take a look at this video of Wayne Rooney during his hair transplant…

Luckily for Wayne Rooney, he hasn’t quite made it onto ‘the list’. Maybe after another £32,000.

As I wind my strop down, I’ll say it through gritted teeth; it seems there is literally no way of preventing hair loss without going to almost unreachable extremes.

Does anyone want their hair to fall out? No.

Should we accept that one way or another it’s going to happen? Probably.

Should people, with better hair than me, still be sleeping with one eye open?


32 thoughts on “The balding sausage

  1. I can releate to what your talking about, I was like you dude had long hair from about 12-22 then I had spiky blonde hair then I made the mistake of shaving it all off since this I lost most of my hair on the top of my head which is gutting but thats life and we learn to live with it. on the plus side you can get nano gen which simulates real hair and is actually very good.


      • Ahhh thanks Stefan!

        Good comment. One lesson I’ve learned is not to take my hair for granted for however long I have it left.

        I’m almost 24, I suppose I’ve had a good run compared to some people… But I’ll still be hanging on to every strand for as long as I can!

    • Funnily enough I have a friend who used this – it rubs off onto your clothes and whatever and you end up with very strange irregular bald patches. Unfortunate to say the least!

      I guess if you’re going to lose your hair, do it properly, right?

      And I’m the most paranoid man out there, so I’m perfect for the job 😉

  2. Hey,

    Likin the article!

    a womans point of you…personally i quite like baldies!
    JUST as long as they embrace the lack of hair! lol
    what i mean is a ‘horse-shoe’ of neatly cut hair,
    can be rather sexy?
    NOT however one of the following;
    – comb overs *criiinge*
    – a horse-shoe of hair…that reaches to their arse!
    -or as my Andy would call it ‘ Mac three’ it (aka slap head, bowling ball etc)

    i wait in anticipation for your next article and the baldness to take over! ;P (Andy also suffers from heriditory baldness!)
    Hannah xxx

    • I’ve got more than enough elsewhere thank you very much (but maybe we’ll save that for another day!?)

      So far my back isn’t hairy… but my dad’s back is, and I’m the spitting image of him so I guess I know what I’ve got coming…

    • The long fringe hides a multitude of sins! But, as we all find out eventually, the long fringe doesn’t last forever!

      Make the most of it!

      The Sausage isn’t anywhere near done yet! 🙂

  3. Another very funny post!

    Just think when you loose all your hair you’ll look like a sausage 🙂

    Looking forward to the next!

  4. Thank god I’m not the only one suffering with a big forehead at such a young age. Interesting read. Never thought I’d say it but, I enjoy the sausage.

  5. Hi Craig,
    I thought this was very entertaining, as i am no doubt goin to join you in being bald soon I should have probably found it more disturbing than amusing, My baldness however will be self inflicted due to over dying my hair.
    Maybe the way forward is a wig?
    I look forward to reading you next post.

  6. I found this yet another interesting read. However, I do believe anyone having a hair transplant must have money to waste. Why spend money on pain when you have much better things to do with money. Like give it to me…I could make better use of it =)

    I’m pretty sure you will be fine though Hag, you have a long time yet until you lose your hair. Can’t wait to read your next blog entry lovely =)

    Keep them coming, I find this entertaining after a boring day. xx

  7. Totally interesting and funny stuff dude! I’ve heard that hair loss skips a generation so i look to my Grandad….who has a … comb-over ..dammit…
    Well at 26 I’m doing okay so i guess i’ll be watching my back when I’m next round your’s/Fran’s pad….

  8. I have to say after your last blog I have been looking forward to reading more stroppy sausage rants and it has to be said that your lastest blog did not disappoint. Another great read and made me laugh lots. Cant wait for more… “yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeeeeeah…”

  9. very nice mate interesting read , have you thought you’ve just had your hair cut recently and your not going bald !!!::P think postive . your a ref you could be the spit of PIerreluigi Collina 😛

  10. LOL Craig only you could be a sloppy sausage 🙂 I’m quiet impressed lol and i love you little illustrations that you got going on. Keep up the good work, your raking in the fans and i’ll be expecting to see some unisex posts lol cos unfortunately i cant share you pain with your bum-fluff chin hair lol B)

  11. Another funny read – I definitely share your pain as my hair is indeed rapidly receeding forcing me to grow my fringe long. What’s worse is when a gust of wind carries that fringe up thus revealing the ^ shape I’ve got going on!

    • I have the exact same problem! Whenever the wind blows I find myself trying to face the same way as the wind is blowing, just so my hair doesn’t lift up and reveal the landing strip that is my forehead!

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